There have been big changes since my last post. The biggest? Jesse moved out almost two weeks ago. I don't have all the words I want or need to talk about it, but I will tell you two small stories. And maybe they say it best.
For a very long time now, I have been eyeing a large print at a favorite local furniture store. It was hanging on the back wall, and while I'm not normally drawn to Asian prints, this drew me like a magnet the first time I saw it. On closer inspection, I noticed a tag with the translation: Renew yourself.
I've long felt I've been in need of renewal. Of redemption. Of re-focusing.
The last time we were in the store, the print was still there, and I bought it. Just like that. And now it's hanging over my mantle. It is big and bold, and one of the first things I see each day. But what I particularly love about it is the visual representation of this message. I love how the first character resembles a person, twisted up and chaotic. Then, the point of decision when one realizes, yes, it is time for renewal. It almost seems as if there are parentheses around that point, that dot. Because the time of this decision needs space and room and thought. And finally, the result: a graceful and serene arc of renewal. So lovely.
Of course, this picture makes it seem so effortless. But, it is not. Though I know this decision to split with Jesse is truly for the best, I struggle each day to starve the negative and feed the authenticity (see below post). I tell myself, 'Stop playing the victim. Own your role in this decision with dignity.' It doesn't help that I'm lonely. I am cherishing my time with Jonah, but I crave adult companionship. I know this is a season, and when Jonah is older and yearning to adventure forth, I know I'll wish I'd had more dedicated time with him, just as I'm getting right now. Really, what a gift. Can I recognize it as such? I am blessed.
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Parallelling this change at home, my sweet town got a drastic change: snow! It's not unusual to get one or two modest snowfalls each winter, but we've been hit with one of the worst winter storms in decades, and it's brought life as I know it to a halt. Lost internet connection (my oxygen, gasp!), limited freedom, limited availability at work.
This wonderland is beautiful. So white, still, and quiet. It's my white space, my parentheses. Renewal is change, and it seems right that my external surroundings are reflecting my internal landscape right now.
I've been unable to work because of limited internet connectivity, yet I reached two very important milestones yesterday and today. Yesterday, I learned that my team reached and even surpassed a major project goal, two weeks before our deadline. This is big, important news and goes a long way to secure my role as a team leader and manager. Today, I learned that as a result of this and my other work, I am getting a promotion and a raise. I can't even begin to express how needed this news is. On the two days where I have felt as if things are completely out of my hands -- where I've had to just let go already -- my prior efforts have culminated and paid off. This is the job I have struggled to keep, and now I feel secure. That I can offer Jonah and me a secure living, and a secure life, for awhile. I have taken many deep breaths today.
Renewal, release, relinquishment. They all go hand and hand. But they can't be held onto tightly. Instead, I lay in the snow, staring up at them, laughing and sighing and breathing as they swirl and fall like snowflakes around me.
Listening to: My Heart With You by The Rescues. (Song starts at 1:30.) My lullaby for Jonah, who is with his grandparents tonight. Sleep well, little man.
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