This weekend, I got a gift. It wasn't a gift I'd ask for but it's one that I need: Jesse announced he's moving out. This news wasn't exactly a shock. I knew it was coming and in some ways, as maddening as it really is, I respect him for making the first move. I have felt so repressed, so fake, stifled and caged with Jesse. Just a day before Jesse's announcement, I fought back tears on the playground with Jonah, desperate for a change.
I took the news really hard yesterday. Not at all anything I'm proud of. Too many words that I regret were said. I wanted to act out of integrity, handle this situation as an adult. I waited with Jonah for Jesse to return, and four hours later when he came home, I exploded and ended up throwing him out. Nice, I know. To his credit, he did come back. We talked things through. It was a mixture of being pissed and angry, then sad and apologetic. It was like a crash course in the grief cycle. I resent you but I love you and get out but how can we make this work?
Needless to say, I couldn't sleep last night. Jesse slept like a baby, and Jonah, well, he slept like a baby. But I tossed and turned. And it did occur to me in the wee hours of the morning that Jesse's leaving is a gift. An opportunity to rediscover myself as a mom, as a woman.
I took a personal day today to 'regroup,' and I talked with a friend. She also told me to snag this baby and run with it. Jesse is a good dad and he'll continue to be. But he can be overbearing to live with. His theories, his quirks! Who needs them? Jesse isn't meant for commitment. It's so easy to resent him for not wanting a family, but I certainly don't want him here if he's not commited.
Such a thick soup of emotions. My heart is both heavy and light.
My friend Karen recently wrote about feeding the right emotion. I've decided to not feed the pissed-offness, but to feed the authentic part of me that wants to handle this transition in our relationship with respect and integrity. I want to FINALLY participate in this relationship in a real way.
I know living alone, working and single-mothering Jonah won't be easy. Life has been so hard the past couple of years and I'm so ready for easy. But apparently, it's not time for easy. But sometimes I feel that living alone, doing my job, being Jonah's mom will be the easiest thing in the world.
I've got to write here to keep myself on track, as a way to starve the pissed-off. And feed what's real. To start by really loving myself. And that's something I haven't done in a very long time.
Listening to: If I Don't Believe In Love by Dido.
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